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June 09, 2019 3 min read

For those of you that don't know, I am a suicide survivor.

My spiritual journey began when I attempted suicide at the age of 13. At such a young age, I didn't have hope for myself. I thought my family would do better without me. Having been a victim of sexual trauma as a child, I grew up tying my worth with my body and who I was on the outside. It didn't matter if I was smart. It didn't matter if I came from a good family. The tipping point was that no matter how hard I tried, I didn't feel like I got the love and attention that I wanted. It was all in my head of course. I know now, how much my mother loves me and how much my family loves me. But back then, I thought they could do without me. So I attempted to kill myself...

When I didn't succeed, I had a moment of clarity. I realized, that there must be more to my life if God wouldn't let me die. That's when I started to seek out more about my spirituality.

It's been 17 years since that day. My journey has had a lot of ups and downs, as any. normal person would. But the one constant remained: so long as I attempted to keep Spirit in my life, I got through the really tough times. Thinking about my suicide attempt comes to the forefront whenever I'm going through something that I think I can't handle. Having also battled with anxiety and depression, the thoughts of running away were almost welcome in my mind.

But then I'd remember... I survived.

I remember, that if I wasn't meant to be here, I wouldn't be. This constant reminder keeps me going. It reminds me that Spirit is with me, all the time. Even when I'm in my own head, even when my anxiety peaks, even when I think nothing is going right, I am reminded that I am not alone. Spirit really has provided in more ways than one. As I continue to grow into the woman that I am meant to be, I understand and acknowledge why it's important to share my story.

Most people embark on their spiritual journeys after experiencing some form of trauma.

This is because we can be so blinded by our situations, that we need an absolutely big and rude awakening to snap us back to reality. I've had lulls in my spirituality, where I started to lose focus and faith. And then, I'd go through something that would snap me back to reality. I've been nearly evicted, had three car accidents, survived a narcissistic relationship full of emotional abuse, and lots more over the years. All of these insane moments, while terrible at the time, have brought me out into better circumstances. I honestly couldn't appreciate what I have now if I didn't go through what I went through.

I wanted to share a bit of my story for those of you, who may be feeling a bit lost spiritually. You might not know the exact direction you're going in and you're wondering what you can do about it. Keep on, keep on, keep on. That is what I can tell you. Persistence is key. Seek out support, vent it out, go to therapy, find a spiritual advisor, have your cards read, and pray/meditate. The more you seek to have more Spirit in your life, the more you'll find clarity.

I know that it sounds easier than it actually is. As a culture, we have been told that we have to work harder, pray harder, and try to figure it out all by ourselves. I want to tell you that you don't have to do it alone. Which is why I recommend seeking out support. I'll repeat: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE. There's no judgement in your journey. Your journey is YOURS. It is your path to walk and there will always be guidance when you seek it.

So with that, I'm always here if you have questions about this thing called Spirit and Journeys. Don't ever be ashamed to ask!

Blessed Be,

Anissa

 


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